Archive | November, 2008

Sixth day in Rio, part 1–Jurujuba and Fortaleza Santa Cruz

Take a left at the McDonald’s and keep on going

When the Blackberry announced the day, for once it wasn’t pure torture. We had come in early the night before and gotten to bed at a decent hour, so I actually jumped out of the rack and turned the thing off before it had gotten through a whole sequence.

Something was different about the light seeping in from behind the blackout curtains. What? THE FIRST SIGHT OF BLUE in Rio! The sky outside the window was riddled with birds, so I snapped a couple of pictures. It was amazing when I first looked at them, because I initially thought it was dirt on my lens.

The pair of birds in the upper right look like a hammerhead shark. Cool.

Sylvia came by right after breakfast to get our laundry and bring us our belated bonus gift: five pairs of Havaianas! The pineapple is so yesterday’s news as a sign of welcome. Nothing says “Howdy! Come on in!” to the smart Brazilian like a pair of flip flops.

They were supposed to have been waiting on us when we got there, but weren’t, because of their not knowing our sizes. Jean and Pettus wanted to make sure we got everything that came with the house, so stayed on Sylvia about it. It was nice the way she lined them all up behind the sofa in a happy display.

Robo and Pettus asked her again about hang gliding, since it was more clear today. She said she’d check on it and get back to us. In the meantime, Marcelo had pulled up outside. Suddenly, Maria and Robson appeared, gathered up the clothes, and were out the door behind Sylvia’s implied shooing motion. We followed.

I have no idea how we had settled on seeing the fort this morning. I think Marcelo had mentioned that it was close and would be a good early outing. We were trying to wait on it to clear up a little more before we went up to see The Christ, and the Botanical Gardens, which was also on our agenda for the day. We found out later that Marcelo leads groups of school kids through the Gardens regularly, and is quite a naturalist. I had already figured that out.

Other than to go to the restaurants, this was the only time we took a left at the McDonald’s. The Bay beach road carried us past the Niedermeyer terminal (closed), then the landscape gradually changed to look like Apalachicola, Florida, or something from Destin in the really old days. This was Jurujuba, an old fishing village on Guanabara Bay.



We continued along the beach road, which was curvy as hell at times, with natural rock ledges looming over the car as we zoomed past. Marcelo pointed out Adam and Eve, two secluded beaches that got their names from the isolation of the place, and the nudity that usually takes place when people get together there.

The captain on our bay cruise had pointed out this very place and told Patricia about it, who told us. And Marcelo’s story matched exactly! They must have meetings to get it all together.

We were in the territory now that from the water looked just like Jurassic Park: lush tropical foliage covering a mountainous area behind a beach, with palm trees sticking out everywhere to drive the image home.

Pretty, huh? It was kinda cloudyish, still, so it seemed like a good thing that we had come here first. Before long, the road was bisected with a barbed wire gate, behind which was a small guard house. Marcelo pulled up gingerly and pulled his wallet and “papers” out for the soldier that zoomed out to check it.


All was in order, thumbs were exchanged, while we all tried to look benign in the car. Marcelo pulled through to a larger area, where another soldier pointed us in to the parking lot. We all hopped out, me pulling the camera out instantly to do some shooting while they figured out the admission.

The way the wall is so sheer to the bay is very cool. On the tour, we learned of a guy who made a rope out of hair or something like that, and climbed out of one of the tiny prison windows to freedom.

This big gun also afforded a bunch of cool shots.


Marcelo had gone over to confer with the people in charge, taking our money payers with him. I think he knew some of the fort folks, because they looked like they were all having a good old time yakking away in Portuguese. When our group returned from the ticket shack, Marcelo stayed behind and said he’d meet us when we were through.

It was hot as hell already, and with the newly discovered sun, I had a healthy, shiny glow in seconds. We all assembled at the outside of the fort, and were informed that a tour was just fixing to start. There were a couple of other groups, one headed by an obnoxious woman who kept talking on her cell phone. I was thinking maybe they should have thrown her ass in the brig.

Our guide was a young solder in his 20s, who was proud of his country, his army and his fort. He seemed to be an excellent leader, though I had no idea since he never spoke a word of English. He would rattle off about five minutes worth of material, we’d turn to Patricia and ask “What’d he say?” and she would give us the translation in 10 words or less.

We had grouped beside a small chapel just inside the walls for the guide to give his introductory instructions: no photos of the right side of the fort, no photos of anyone with a gun, no photos of guns except the cannons, and a couple more that Patricia didn’t bother to tell us about. I hoped there was nothing in there about sweating on the artifacts.

To my surprise, when I got Jean’s box camera pictures developed, this one turned up, taken on the RIGHT SIDE, because there were no soldiers on the left. She should work for the National Enquirer.

The chapel was beautiful, simple and elegant. Once I saw it inside, I deemed it one of the most beautiful churches I’ve ever seen, including the big boys. Our guide explained that when they had mass, everybody in the fort attended. The priest would keep his eye cast to his left, through a door and window in the wall that overlooked the bay. Any oncoming threats would be seen by him first.

The statuary and relics were fantastic. There were about 16 small pews and a little balcony highlighted by a small stained glass window. The walls were white, trimmed simply in gold paint.


We headed outside to the main promenade to look at the little cupolas and big guns. . .and Sugarloaf looking like a gol-durned CHOAD sitting there. “Choad?” you may ask. It’s a term I learned from my son Frank several years ago. It refers to a dick that is as wide as it is long. Har! Is the description apt? How choadlike could one famous mountain be?

The views from the promenade were incredible, and I got another great album cover shot to boot. Those walls are pure Brazilian granite, like half the stuff in the fort.

We found this attribution on one of the guns interesting. Who is this Armstrong character? “Sir” indicates English?

Meanwhile, our guide was telling us all kinds of stuff. The cell phone lady kept up her bad behavior, and I began to drift in and out, deciding to look at the bay and wait for the highlights from Patricia. Here’s our guide. He seemed to be kind of interested in Patricia, and was giving the most comprehensive tour of his career.

Before we left the chapel, Jean, Pettus and Patricia had attacked the guy to tell him how much they loved the pin on his hat–some high honor, Patricia said. He gladly gave us a closeup of it. Pretty, eh? It seems that it’s much more aesthetically pleasing than an American equivalent would be.

These arches were too fantastic looking to ignore. The various compositions were insanely cool. And the thought of them peopled with 19th century Brazilians made it more intriguing. They handled all kinds of neer-do-wells here: traitors, pirates, brigands, and other enemies. This was a hot property of protection, and still housed real soldiers in other parts of the compound. (That’s who we weren’t supposed to photograph.)



We went down below to where there were cannons pointed out the wall under each arch. The guide went into an endless spiel about all of this, and I gleaned from Patricia: everything is made of local granite, and there was a guy who would come around and tell them when to fire, so they would all cover their ears at the same time. Something like that. Maybe Patricia can clarify.

Meanwhile, the cell phone lady had started acting all interested, and sucking up to the guide, asking him all kind of questions. Hmmph.

Very cool. Very geometric. What’s next?

A big hall of some kind, built by some bigwig in the late 1800s, that could now be rented out as a wedding hall or any other type of event. Uh. Pretty neat, but not many windows, and a hell of a lot of dampish bricks. Also this little gag set up in the first room, designed to delight the tourist with a souvenir photo of him/herself with a damn good Johnny Depp pirate ripoff. Of course I had to have one. Jean first. She was thrilled to have it done! You can tell how her enthusiasm is about to explode. Then she took a picture of me doing a terrible Jon Voight with poor head-to-cutout placement. Her picture was less blurry than the one I took, too. Some souvenir.

The next stop on the tour was at the lifers’ cell. It would be a dungeon if it were underground, but it was just sitting there, an opening in the corridor wall. It was totally dark in there, but I snapped this shot with a flash while the guide spun a story that made us all shudder.

If you ended up in this place, you were chained facing the wall, and stayed that way for the entire length of your sentence. If you died, well, OOPS, but you’re not through with your stretch, so STAY THERE UNTIL IT’S OVER. That floor still looks like it’s covered with mildew and mold, which was usually what got you. No ventilation, by the way, just the door, and they probably boarded it up to keep the disgusting interior out of sight.

Here’s the courtyard adjacent to these fine digs.

Oh, and WAIT! Another dungeon! This one was about two feet tall. There were others next to it that were progressively taller. The worse your sentence, the shorter your ceiling. Clever. Insidious. Shitty. Even Herve Villechaize would be uncomfortable.

Especially since each of these cells looked out on the cistern that was brimming with rainwater. I can’t remember the story about it, but here’s the inscription. Neat.

Jean took this picture of us with her disposable camera on the way out. By this time, I was about to die of thirst, and having the cistern as the finale of the tour, it made my poor tongue, mouth, head, gullet and body scream with displeasure. And the two half bottles of water in Marcelo’s car would be HOT and UNSUITABLE. The choad of Sugarloaf was NO HELP.

Marcelo was ready for us when we got out. My water was, indeed hot, and I immediately began to whine to him to get me some agua com gaís. He promised to stop somewhere in Jurujuba. Which he did.

The first place was a small lean-to on the beach side of the road with a wizened but cheery Jurujuban woman selling all kinds of stuff. But no agua com gaís. Or regular water. I obrigadoed her and hopped back in the car.

The next place was a bar/sandwich place that had already received its first customer for the morning: a laid back guy swilling Sköl beer and chatting animatedly with the proprietor. I came up and gave him my best medium smile and serviceable Portuguese to garner me three waters at the bargain price of 2 Reais each. I could live until we reached our next destination.

Sylvia had called and told us that the hang gliding was still off for the day because the clouds hadn’t broken enough, so we decided to go see Jesus.

 

Sixth day in Rio, part 2–Christ the Redeemer

Getting high on Jesus

I was about to bust, I was so excited to see The Christ. Ever since I had seen him in pictures, it had been a fascination and a small obsession. This Seventh Wonder of the Modern World combined one of my biggest fears and one of my biggest loves in one awe inspiring package. Pictures taken above the statue’s head looking down would bring my acrophobia to the surface every time, but in a strange comfortable way. When I first saw The Christ upon arrival in Rio, all I could do was kind of sigh, the way he overlooked everything. And, yes, he has incredible peripheral vision.

The awesomeness of huge things is another of my passions, and poor little ole Vulcan would have to stand on top of his own head twice before he would reach The Christ, who is 90 feet tall with a 90 foot hand span. The herculean efforts required for something like this make me swell with pride for mankind’s attempts to be great.

We decided not to ride the tram up the mountain, but instead have Marcelo take us as far as he could, then we would board a minivan to ride to the top for a small fee. The tram looked really neat, being the train that brought the stuff to the top of Corcovado for the construction of the statue. It went through the dense foliage that hugged the mountain, and was supposed to be a great trip.

Naah. We wanted to get there fast. Upon seeing the tram and the track it took up the mountain, I was kind of sorry we didn’t do it. But we were there, and of course Marcelo wasn’t coming with us. He drove his car to the top of the hill to wait with the others who weren’t making the trip. I’m sure he read his history and science magazines that he kept in the car. Or napped. Probably napped. The magazines were most likely props.

The drop off point was somewhere outside of Santa Teresa, which is pretty high up already. It was teeming with people, but they were kind of just milling around: some official, some not, everyone looking kind of specious. There was a cop asleep in his car while all this loading and unloading went on. We all got in the van, waiting only a couple of minutes for it to fill up with other people. The ride up to the statue was neat, with the continually curving road draped on one side with lush green foliage and perilously seductive on the other, with tiny little Rio peeking through the small trees–the only thing that would keep us from plummeting off of Corcovado should our driver lose control of the van. WHEE!!!

The feel of the urban jungle as we ascended the mountain was strange, because I knew there were hundreds of people all around us, but it appeared that we were the only ones there.

When Carol and family had been to see The Christ previously, there were a multitude of steps to mount. We were fortunate to have arrived at the modernization of holy access. The bad part was now merely a slightly healthy flight of beautiful stone stairs at the bottom which led to a plateau with a couple of elevators up to the next level.

The crowd was big, but not overbearing by any means. We got an elevator rather quickly. This was a weird experience, in that the cars were very narrow and twice as deep, causing us to line up in there kind of like parachute jumpers. Through the green tinted glass, we could see our ascent through the vegetation that opened on another panoramic view. It was as if the elevator had no bottom when you looked straight out the window. Slightly creepy.

Our elevator operator had blonde spikes in his hair, and the look of Johnny Rotten, but he was wearing an official Jesus elevator operator vest, so I figured he was okay. I felt sure that the same rigorous specifications had been applied to this job as those for the security guards around town. When we reached the next level, the door opened behind us, we all turned around and quickly filed out, giving the operator our various versions of “obrigado/a.” Instead of telling us to “wank off” or something like that, he smiled broadly and said in stilted English, “Enjoy The Christ.” Indeed.
Gorgeous. The top tier was achieved by riding a brand spanking new escalator. Jean and I were both thankful. Well, who WOULDN’T be? At the top right under the statue, there was a throng of people milling around excitedly, everybody with cameras, many taking pictures of loved ones or companions by lying on the ground and shooting up to get The Christ in the picture looming protectively over the subject. Like the Kennemers.

Yeah, I lay down on the hot pavement to take this picture. I don’t know where the hell Jean was, but my frying back couldn’t take any more, so she didn’t get the photographic blessing. The views from there were unbelievable–the horse track was a funny counterpoint to The Christ. He didn’t look down AT the track, but you knew he could see them anyway.

There was so much hedonism for him to see, with the sexy beaches and all! But I didn’t feel one iota of judgment. Not one. This beautiful bug climbing on Christ’s granite (natch) base was so pretty and cool and kind of unlikely looking. What would a bug be doing up this high? How long did it take him to get here? Surely he was born here in one of these patches of vegetation. He looked so small and dedicated against the enormous mass of stone, like he was making his own trek of faith old style to see Jesus. May be.

Jean took a good picture of Robo and me, after which I took long shots of The Christ and more of the crowd.


This vertiginous shot looks like the shelf of people is fixing to crash down onto the city below. Shudder.

Simply unbelievable. Awe inspiring. And it was interesting to learn that The Christ was actually conceived in Dom Pedro II’s time, with Isabel suggesting that a religious figure be erected on the newly surmounted Corcovado for all in Rio to see. She would be pleased to see the results. Those royals were all right!

We took a peek in the small chapel that was accessed by the back of Christ’s granite base, but bypassed a book that enabled you to write a message to Whomever it was in charge of this type of thing, and for a small fee, could voice a specific request for health, wealth, or anything else. Hmmm. I guess the money went to a good place. I GUESS. I took one more picture of D&P, then we descended the escalators, after watching one of the guards yank a tourist off one of the granite stair rails.

The lower level had a concession place replete with beer, wine, sandwiches, and of course, coke, water and agua com gaís! We met a nice older couple from Oregon who was kind of traveling the world, but they weren’t the only English-speakers. The place was covered with our language. It was almost weird, after being immersed in Portuguese and nothing much else.

Even the outdoor tables in this concession area were made of granite!

Sixth day in Rio, part 3–Botanical Gardens

King John’s glorious gift to Rio

 

The Botanical Gardens was another place I was hot to see, and we had been unable to see it before now, due to its being closed for Carnaval (or so Marcelo said. He was probably playing the grand puppetmaster to all of us by using closings and bad weather like pawns in his own diabolical game of manipulation.)

Sylvia had informed Robo and Pettus that the hang gliding was still off for the day, so there was no other place to go but the Gardens.

We pulled off of a busy downtown street onto a sandy path that led to one of the parking areas for the Gardens. I’m sure it was one Marcelo knew about, since he routinely brings tours of school kids. Not knowing this at the time, I was rather taken aback at the place we parked: lined up next to a few other cars in front of a ledge of grass.

It was very strange to suddenly be dwarfed by huge trees of such exotic variety. The instant shift from the open claustrophobia of the city directly to the secluded canopy of nature was fun. We got out of the car to discover extremely muggy air rife with mosquitoes. Jean instantly dove into the Mawmaw bag and pulled out the SUPERDEET that we were taking to the Amazon. It was smelly, oily, and if you happened to get it on your hands and into your mouth, it was gross as hell. But nothing was going to touch any of us that used it.

A couple of the trees right in front of the car had the most incredible shiny bark.

There was an old house to our left. I’m sure it was part of the Gardens. Looks kind of like the bayou of Louisiana, eh? Note the subtle Japanese influence on the woodwork. Very unusual. This house could have been the home of any well-heeled country Southerner.


Marcelo led us up the path to the admission place. On the way, we passed this large installation of what appeared to be Matisse’s dancing women. At any rate, the motif was very familiar, and gave off a vibe of unshaved legs and armpits.

The policewoman at the gate doubled as money taker and shit giver, playfully harassing Marcelo and Robo on the way in. Robo made some flip comment about her gun which made me cringe, recalling the near-debacle of the “I’ve seen better” from Carnaval. No repercussions. Just a large, friendly black Brazilian using her authority without swagger.

There was a neat fountain on one of the paths right inside. Daniel first washed his hands in it, then drank from it once Marcelo told him it was safe. Daniel tried to lure me in, but I held firm in my refusal. I saw the face of Iemanjá in that fountain just as Scrooge had seen Marley’s ghost on his doorknocker. Nu-nu-nu-nu-nooo.

After he got through drinking it, he made a face at Marcelo and said, “That didn’t taste so good.”

Marcelo replied in his deadpan, “I said it was safe. I didn’t say it was good.”

I piled it on with Nelson Muntz’ mocking ha-ha. One of my favorites, and the perfect punctuation mark to anything harmfully funny.

It was after 2:00, and we were hungry. Like, really hungry. So before we went and looked at anything else, we veered into a nice courtyard with a walk-up-and-order eating dispensary. And as befitting botanical gardens everywhere, the food was perfect for ladies who lunch: a lotta quiches, salads and such. I have nothing against quiche at all, I just want it served in larger quantities than it usually is. This was no exception. But as I began to order the maximum I could without having the counter ladies call the Gardens Society (probably founded by Count d’Eu) and have me escorted out, a tall, friendly waitress popped her head around the corner and told us to go sit down.

We found a table under a huge tree and were soon joined by the woman who had insisted on taking our orders. And not in a mean way. She wanted to serve us! I’m sure it was Marcelo she had her moony eyes on. It translated into a pleasant experience all the way around. Pettus took this shot of Jean and me with her camera.

 I introduced Daniel to the “even look” while we were waiting on the food. Even look? What?? The even look is an invention of mine that is so perfectly neutral that it conveys nothing. It’s the very best expression to give in just about any situation if you don’t know what to convey with your face. It’s very hard to do, because it is usually colored with other nuances, as you can see by the illustration below. Daniel was pretty good at it for being such a novice. Like he did with the Jon Voight. I think with a little work he could be really good.

I’ve really let my technique slip, I can tell by looking at the pictures. The one day growth of beard doesn’t look hip like it does on TV. It makes me look like somebody standing in line at a soup kitchen. I would have taken some soup at that moment, I was so hungry. Well, maybe not hot soup; possibly a nice vichyssoise.

After the delicious food (and it WAS delicious), we began the trek into the gardens. Marcelo obviously knew the place like the back of his hand, and though everything was marked, he told us what it was. We first encountered one of the royal palms. They were originally brought by King John when he began the gardens, and were at one time forbidden fruit for anyone but royalty in Brazil. The cuttings and treelings were hot property. Marcelo showed us one tree that is an actual descendant of an original palm. Cool. Even the trees here were touched with personification. One could imagine this palm making its debut in society to the accolades of thousands.

This place was fantastic. Laid out in a grid-like pattern, it was the most orderly, but least contrived space I could imagine. There were large areas shaded by huge trees of all kinds.

A large bust of King John was centered in one of the rows. The royal palms were everywhere, with the grand row behind him. You could feel the appreciation Marcelo showed as he told us about the king’s part in what we were seeing there.

A waterfall that cooled off the whole scene was visible through the wall of foliage. The canopy of green was different everywhere you went, and appeared intermittently and randomly enough to show that nature had been given her head in the landscape, but been gently guided by talented gardeners.

Look at this giant split-leaf philodendron. At least that’s what I’d call it here. If I could find one this big here. Marcelo called it something else.

Naturally, The Christ was visible from many place in the gardens, and was nothing short of spectacular. Once again, the royals figured in the entire vista. A powerful force.

We next saw a section that featured the famous Pantanol lily pads. They look like big serving platters. Perfect. Perfectly incredible.

I couldn’t pass up this butterfly, either.

Marcelo took our picture with The Christ in the background. Pretty. Then Pettus turned around and took a great picture of him with her camera.

This fountain opening onto the row of royal palms was rather picturesque. It reminded me of Florida down by Silver Springs during my childhood.

Look at the classic row of royal palms!

During our wanderings down one of the aisles, we came upon this hollowish tree trunk that caused me to begin channeling Jon Voight. Daniel was there with my camera. I don’t know how these things happen. I was suddenly wound up. Patricia was mightily entertained. Jean looked at the whole event as if she were looking through glass. Robo felt better enough to enjoy the spectacle with Pettus. Marcelo told me I had better get off the grass.

We continued on down the path, noticing how so many of the trees had bromeliads living on them. Then we saw this tree with his tiny little pink guy. I pointed it out, telling Daniel and Patricia how all the other trees laughed at this tree when they were in the locker room. Patricia nearly split her sides. It was pretty good. Even Marcelo laughed.

“This is just so weird,” Patricia said. “We NEVER talk like this at home! I mean, not that Mom and Dad don’t know or say stuff, but NOT LIKE THIS. We don’t just sit around the table talking about things like that.”

“Well, you don’t have to tell them,” I said, not realizing that I would rat my own self out in this blog.

We had reached an arch that was quite beautiful and camera-ready. Being as it led out of the gardens, we turned left.

This path ran along a stream, heavy with trees on the right. There were toucans flying from tall trees in the center of the park and landing on the other bank, suddenly hidden by the mass of green. Marcelo pointed them out to us at first, and seemed rather pleased that we had seen them.

We came upon another beautiful arch that led into a smaller garden. On the ground everywhere were these giant pods that were hard as wood. I picked one up. It was curved like a girl’s headband, but you could see the indentations where the seeds had been. I showed it to Marcelo.

“You had better put that down. You can be arrested for picking anything up in the gardens.”

I stared at him. What I saw was the quintessential even look. The fact that he had beat me at my own face made me say, “Well too bad. I’m taking it home,”  and put it in my pocket. It looked like a rigid implant.

“Do you think I can get it past customs?” I asked him.

“If you’re careful, maybe,” he replied.

This batch of bamboo was nice. The carvings were actually kind of cool on there. I don’t know why. We saw Daniel’s name (and had seen the day before at the Jetson’s house) amongst all the others. Some were unfamiliar to me, but common in Brazil. Like Faelo e Dorico or Priscila e Celia.    ?

“Get your camera ready. You will love this. Ees very good,” Marcelo intoned. “The bromeliads.”

“Ooh YEAH BABY!” I shouted. “I love me some bromeliads!” For good reason. They’re tough. Some of them live in harmony with other plants without living off of them. They are totally beautiful and unusual in every way.




I love these things. They’re related to Spanish moss. Well, duh, it all is.

I got Marcelo to pose with D&P in the center of the bromeliad house. They obliged. The pictures were hilarious to begin with, but I concocted a great scenario to go with them, did my best to translate it via Babelfish, and sent them to Marcelo. I was always giving him shit about how we were gonna wrap the kids in a rug and throw them in the back of his car to see how much we could get for them. Fun!

Well, that’s the gist of these pictures. What I was intending to say was: ”
“See how easy it is to make friends with the kids, Ben? They won’t suspect a thing until they’re wrapped up in a rug and stuffed in my trunk!”

Is the picture hilarious or what? The next one says: “See how they trust me, Ben? This will be so easy!”

He emailed me back: “You’re so funny! That is like something from Stephen King!” How flattering. He cracks me up.

More bromeliads are in order! Beginning with Little Dick’s little brother.



We went into another room with a small pond in the center and these lovely things surrounding it.

This fern was particularly fantastic. Looks so Japanese in its design. Hmm.

This tangle of plant life was very prevalent in the Amazon.

And look! A tree with jackfruit on it! A little baby jackfruit! At the base of the tree was the smashed, rotted jackfruit covered with ants that I mentioned in an earlier Bahian post. This was a fresh, spiny, virginal jackfruit.

Look at this cool texture.

Fan-tastic! Meanwhile, my arthritic right knee was beginning to stab me, and I heard the first drift of “getting stuck in Rio if you don’t make it through the tunnel by 5:00.” WHAT? I didn’t want to get stuck there! I wanted to go back to Niterói and eat at Porcão.

We decided to step it up. An exhibit and excavation of an old gunpowder factory that was interesting and atmospheric diverted us. It had little working models of what the factory was like. Fun! Let’s go. We don’t want to be stuck here. Of course none of us were going anywhere without stopping at the sanitário adjacent to the gunpowder factory. (Odd placement if you considered methane gas flammable).

As we were bookin’ it down the last aisle before the turn to our car, this cool massive rock grotto appeared on the right. Marcelo told us about it, but I wasn’t paying enough attention. I was listening to my knee and to the sound of cars building up in front of the Niterói bridge. I think he said it was built by one of the Doms, either I or II. But I’m making it all up. I DID hear him say that just beyond this thing was the beginning of the Tijuca National Forest, a rare thing in that it abuts the city. Umpteen thousand species of plants and animals living RIGHT THERE. I would hope there was some kind of fence.

Neat, huh? Kind of Indiana Jonesy. Marcelo also told us that people make out in there. Sure. Gettin’ it on wit’ yo’ LAY-deh, and looking up to see a giant snake of some kind that IGNORED THE FENCE around the Tijuca National Forest! Oh YEAH, I’m there.

We were kind of hauling ass by this time, me looking like an angry pirate walking the ship with a peg leg. When we got in the car, I looked at Marcelo and asked anxiously, “Did we make it? Did we make it?”

“I don’t know,” he said, shaking he head. “Ees very late. The traffic could be terrible. We could be in it for two hours.”

“SHIT!” I hollered. “Speak up back there, y’all. What do you want to do?”

“Well,” Pettus and Jean said simultaneously, both looking at the Rio book, “There’s this shopping festival thing that closes in blah blah and you can get all this local blahblahblahblah. But I’m not sure if we’ll make it to that, so if we don’t, there’s always the shopping blah blahblahblah and we could find somewhere to eat there blahblah blah.”

“Well, I don’t want to go shopping,” I pouted. “I wanna go home.” My knee was throbbing in agreement.

“Yes, having something to do here may be a good idea if the traffic is bad,” Marcelo said, giving his rearview mirror glance to the girls.

SURELY he was trifling with me!

I shot him another patented look: the one I inherited from my mother that says “This ain’t gonna happen.” It’s even heavier than the pissed off coloration of the standard even look (shown).

He responded with mock surprise topped with glee and said, “I don’t think Ben wants to go shopping.”

I turned to the back seat and said to Robo, “Help me here!”

“You seem to be doing fine all by yourself,” he said.

I changed tone. “Y’all, please. I don’t want to go shopping. My knee hurts. Let’s make a break for it, okay?”

In our wonderful vascillating, willow-tree-like decision making fashion (done in a rolling car), we passed this beautiful church, or whatever it was.

Marcelo then said, “Ees the last chance to stay in Rio. After this, we are on the bridge.”

“Go! Go!” I hollered. I knew I was gonna feel like the goat if we got stuck. But I still felt like Marcelo was pulling my leg. Surely he didn’t want to get stuck in Rio either, being a Niteróian.

As we pulled up the ramp of no return, I shot these pictures of some more cool public art. I can’t call it graffiti, especially in this case.


“How’s the traffic?” I asked Marcelo.

He gave me a noncommittal “Enh.”

I took some neat pictures in the tunnel. “Well, I think you’re woofin’ me,” I said. “This doesn’t look bad at all.”

“We’ll see,” said Marcelo, grasping at the last thread of his little jest.

HA! We made it through the toll bridge in record time. I brought up the taking of Marcelo’s “fast pass” by the “authorities” just to “freshen up” the conversation. “So you said you’d never buy one of those again, eh?” I asked him.

We went through some new streets in Niterói, and I snapped a picture of this public art.

“What are you doing?” Marcelo asked, almost alarmed.

“Taking a picture of this sculpture,” I said.

“That is terrible. Don’t take pictures of bad art,” he scolded, shaking his head. But it was too late. And he was right–it was bad, but it was still interesting.

Jean got on the cell phone to have Sylvia get us reservations at Porcão for the evening. “You will enjoy it very much,” Marcelo enthused.

“Do you want to go with us?” we asked.

“No thank you. I have someone else to pick up.”

“Well what would you have done if we had gotten stuck in Rio,” I asked, rather petulantly.

Marcelo just gave me his version of the even look while Jean interrupted, “I guess we’re all alone again tomorrow, eh?”

“You will be fine,” he replied.

“You WILL take us to the airport, right?” Pettus asked him.

“Yes, of course.”

We got the gate code on the first try all the while signaling hello to our guard. Experience makes for efficiency. We got inside and began our routine: computer, TV, cocktails, showers, call Sylvia to get us a tax. Which she did.

 

Porcão! “When you go there it is a party!”–Marcelo

 

It was a party! We were at a round table in the middle of a room surrounded by celebratory people and mass quantities of fantastic food — and that was just the side selections to go with the meat, meat, meat and MORE MEAT!

I didn’t bring my camera, but Jean took these with her disposable.

They seemed to anticipate our every need in the meat and sides department, discovering Pettus’ affinity for chocolate on her fried banana slices. Before anyone could say anything, a waiter brought her a small white pot filled with pourable goodness. This of course got all over the tablecloth, and added to the Pollock-like nature of the whole event.


Look at the tiny little bucket of ice! So “individual” and “pampering.” TAM could take a tip from these people!

So let’s blame Patricia for the mess. And also for the special attention from the waiters. Then let’s ask Ben the question: “Did you get enough to eat?”

Good LOOK-IN! Nice shirt, though. Got it at the Jimmie Hale Mission: Possible store for 4 bucks. XXL Land’s End, 100% cotton, flat bottom for “capri wear,” beautiful blue color that sets off my eyes.

The bill here was about double that of La Verdanna. It was a lot of fun and the food was fantastic, but not double the fun or flavor. Nevertheless, it was a fabulous treat, and once again, it was right on our own personal restaurant row!

The cabs got us home quickly, and we lapsed into bloated evening wind-down mode. The next day we were going to Copacabana for sure, with Pettus and Robo hoping for a hang-gliding experience. The girls had looked at the Metro stuff, and determined that we could get a cab to the ferry, then take the Metro to the beach. They seemed confident, and with Pettus’ interior compass, it seemed like a plan.

Seventh day in Rio, part 1–Flea market, Copacabana

Jean had read in her travel books about some of the peculiarities and customs of Copacabana and Ipanema beaches. These two world-famous stretches of sand and surf were reportedly home to miles and miles of bikini floss, with only inches and inches of fabric to go with it. Whee doggie!

The women, said the book, are there for one thing: to look hot. When they get up from the sand, they’re supposed to brush their bottoms off slowly, seductively, and completely.

The men respond in hyper-macho manner: they do not sit on towels, and they don’t wipe off sand when they get up from not sitting on a towel. The man who failed to follow these unspoken dictums would be branded a sissy. I wondered if they had a big lighted board out there with pictures and names of all the offenders on it. In the first place, it sounded like the makings of a major galding. In the second place, it sounded hot and uncomfortable. In the third place, it sounded stupid. Hooray for America the delicate!

_______

 

The return of The Whistler

The Blackberry announced our last day in Rio with zeal. We had decided to sleep a half hour later since we were left to our own devices again, and had blown it out the night before at Porcão. Maria had prepared the usual top shelf breakfast, and all was right with the world.

The last few mornings had seen my relationship with Maria blossom into beautiful Bom dia, Maria“s, “delicioso“s, and giggles. I made it a point to get “delicioso” right, because Patricia had told me that a small mispronunciation like “delicia” could convey something else entirely: delicia being the slang you would use when ogling a hot woman. Didn’t want to make that mistake with Maria.

Meanwhile, Robson maintained the obsequious half-bow.

Pettus had been outside talking to him and listening to him sing. He made a request of her that was rather unusual: that we write down the amount of money we intended to tip each person in the house and put it with the tips themselves.

HUH?? Well, it’s true that the guests tip the cook, houseman and concierge and any drivers, etc. There’s a “serving suggestion” for how to gratuitize the various people, and I’m sure that many guests give a lump sum assuming it will be distributed appropriately.

Apparently Robson felt he had been shorted in the past. He didn’t say how, but just wanted to know if we would write the amount we intended to give each person and leave the note with the money. Fine with us. I guess. “I don’t trust him,” Robo repeated.

Jean called Sylvia to get the two cabs necessary to cart us to the ferry terminal. She also asked her to check on hang gliding for Robo and Pettus, telling her we were going to Copacabana that day. “I’m on my way there,” Sylvia said.

She came in about five minutes later with the news that hang gliding was still out of the question because of something other than clouds. Another puppetmaster? Who knows. I was secretly relieved I wasn’t going to have to identify the Kennemers’ crushed remains at some Rio morgue. I know Pettus was disappointed, but don’t quite know what Robo thought about the situation.

“I wonder where is the tax,” Sylvia said suddenly, dialing her cell phone. We heard a lightning-speed one-sided conversation of zh zh ão gee, then she turned to us and said, “One of the drivers had car trouble. They will be right here.” As if on cue, we heard a horn outside.

We headed out the door, locked it with a flick, and exited the gate. There was only one cab there. Huh? We ordered two. Jean was about to say something to Sylvia when there was a lurching motion on the curve. It was the second tax, stuttering its way around the corner and up the little hill to us. The car looked familiar, and there was something about the smoke coming from the driver’s window. When he got out, beaming, I knew. It was The Whistler! I should have seen his mole coming.

I don’t think Jean was interested in riding with him, so she, Pettus and Patricia got in the other cab. Robo, Daniel and I got in with The Whistler. Down the hill was easy. He turned to me and smiled broadly, blasting Portuguese that indicated we were old pals. (I think.) We had barely passed the McDonald’s when his car stalled. He looked at us with knowing bewilderment, muttered something, then began to try the starter. After two failed attempts, he began the whistle. The car stammered to life. Off we went, another three or four blocks, where he was able to coast into a gas station.

Daniel and I got out to get something from the store. The driver put in a tiny amount of both kinds of gas, whistled the car to life, and we were off. Oops. Nope. More calm whistling. Here we sat listening to him fail to bring the thing around with his tunes. Finally Robo asked if we needed to call another cab. Daniel translated. The guy said “náo,” just as the engine caught. As if he needed to shit or get off the pot, we barreled into traffic. The Whistler turned and grinned at all of us, then said something to Daniel. They both laughed.

The terminal was in sight almost immediately, and we all jumped out, thanked the guy, paid and gratuitized him, and met the girls at the ticket booth. We felt like old hands at this ferry thing by now. Particularly with the advantage of having our pair of Cerqueira-bots with us at all times.

The cruise over was pleasant. I was really beginning to see how Niterói would be a fantastic place to live in the Rio area. Many of the important buildings in downtown Rio were within easy walking distance of the terminal. And the Metro station wasn’t far, either.

As we joined the human herd leaving the ferry, we spied what looked like a Brazilian flea market in the public area outside the terminal. Cha-CHING! I love flea markets! And one in a different language would be even cooler. Pettus was also very keen to get over there, too, being not only an aficionado, but a professional at this type of bargain.

The massive display and Pettus’ salivating expression served to make Robo extremely nervous, but he gamely followed us over there. There were about 100 tables lined up, some under the highway ramp with stuff that was kind of familiar, but BETTER than what you would find at the Alabama State Fairgrounds. The first vendor I approached detected my non-Brazilness and guessed correctly on the American bit. I tried to begin our conversation in Portuguese, but he changed directions instantly, beginning to speak to me in fantastic English. “I love to practice my English,” he beamed. “I never get a chance to do it here.”

“You can practice on me,” I agreed, spying a cool, cool, art deco cigarette or knick knack box. “How much?” I asked him.

“Ten,” he said.

“Dollars?” I asked, already excited.

“No, Reais,” he replied.

“Will you take less?” I tried.

“No, I don’t think so. The price is very low already.”

He was right. I handed him 10 Reais and he wrapped my prize in old Rio newspapers, then put it in a recycled plastic grocery sack.

I was about to explode with excitement, having found the neatest thing there for the cheapest price in less than two minutes. I grabbed Daniel and Patricia and said, “Y’all come with me. I may need help.” I had already spotted my future second purchase: a clay teapot comprised of sea creatures. There was a tiny blue ceramic fish as the finial to the pot lid. Crabs, flounders, lobsters, fish and shrimp all coexisted in a jigsaw puzzle fashion on the outside. I had to have it. The dealer may have sensed this, because when I asked him how much, he said something in Portuguese. “Sixty Reais,” Daniel translated.

Now, I already would have paid 30 bucks for it, being so totally unusual, but I decided to give the guy the brushoff and come back. My father was the king of that move. He used to go to pawn shops looking for old musical instruments and scored repeatedly. His biggest coup was in the form of a solid silver flute that he paid fifty bucks for. “I had to start to walk out of the place about 6 times and have the guy stop me each time before I finally got it,” he was proud of telling.

I had nowhere near the nerve he had, and am a threat to break down like a shotgun. It was all I could do to casually walk away and begin looking at other stuff. Good thing I spotted a little portrait of Jesus colored with butterfly wings that diverted my acquisitive lust. I inquired about its price, said “não” and walked away. The vendor brought me back with a lower price: 10 Reais. “Okay,” I said, about to holler with excitement.

I made an effort to look at the plethora of other stuff, and saw about a thousand coveted things, but knew a) we had no money, and b) we had to carry it all home on the plane. The quality and unusualness of the goods made it all painfully enticing.

Pettus, meanwhile had spotted an African mask that was incredible. I sauntered over to see it, loving it and telling her she needed to buy it. The 150 bucks was very good. I looked up to see Robo briskly approaching us and shouting, “Petttus, STEP AWAY from the TABLE.” We all had a good laugh, she put the mask down (being a good haggler) and walked away.

I couldn’t stand it anymore. I just knew some interloper was at my table buying my teapot. I grabbed the Cerqueira-bots and we headed back. I offered the guy 30 Reais. He countered with 40. I caved and said OKAY with a giant smile and obrigado. D&P stood back, surely thinking that I was a sap. But look what I got! The little fish on top has a chipped tail, but it’s still beautiful.

Jean was handling all this very well. She knew that I was self-monitoring as far as bringing back something large. But she was also aware of my herniated wallet-hole, and only gave me a small amount of cash. I had to go back to her to get teapot money, professing to have less, so I still had about 20 Reais left.

Several vendors had very good replicas of antique religious artifacts that fooled me at first. As I began to see the pattern, it dawned on me that there were a lot of other replicas there. They were cleverly mixed in with real antiques, and probably flew off the shelves for two reasons: either people were fooled, or they didn’t care because the replicas were so good looking.

It was all the real deal at this particular table. They had nothing but a blast of the craziest array of stuff there. I spotted this frame made with butterfly wings, priced 20 Reais. I tried to get it for 15. No dice. The lady was a bitch. Oh well. I wanted it. I had the money, which was catching my leg on fire, so I handed it to her, and she silently wrapped the frame up for me. It is so very wonderful. Notice Frank’s composite proof. We never pay money for that kind of stuff. Proofs are fine. Those Vantine folks are making a killing without us.

Jean, meanwhile, had gotten into the act, having spotted a pair of solid silver cake plates for about 150 bucks. We debated, debated, debated, but decided: a) too heavy; b) customs risk; c) didn’t really need it.

Pettus was working Robo over, but he refused to give sway for once. I was amazed at the whole thing, thinking surely she was gonna get that mask. I told them both that they’d get home and have regrets. Which they did.

It was time to go, though I could have stayed a lot longer if conditions had been different. Nevertheless, I was happy as a clam, and along with Jean, clutched four recycled plastic grocery bags filled with Rio-newspaper-wrapped treasures.

It was on to the Metro, with Pettus’ interior compass and Jean’s maps. We immediately came upon one of the trees that I had wanted to photograph the day we were dashing from the closed art museum to the cab place. This tree was really something. The blooms looked like red magnolia blossoms and the rest of the plant resembled something from Little Shop of Horrors.

It was hot as hell, but we plodded along toward the Metro. This pigeon told the tale about the heat. Regardless of us gathering around to look at him and take his picture, he refused to leave his spot in the shade of this phone kiosk.


Seventh day in Rio, part 2–Copacabana

Ahh, the beauties of the scantily clad female form!

The entrance to the Metro looked more like a department store, with a huge graphic of a pretty Brazilian girl looking happy and “mobile.” We followed our noses until we had found the ticket booth, adjoined by several closed snack stands. Except one, and it had the water I needed.

The rest of the group stood around the ticket booth trying to figure out what to buy while I blissfully caved in the flimsy plastic bottle with a rapid evacuation of liquid. By this time, they had figured out what tickets to buy and exactly where we were to go. It was actually very simple. The maps aboard the train were easy to read, and after we disembarked, we would have to walk about 6 blocks or so to the beach. Not bad.

The car was full of people in relaxed gear. No businesspeople. Many pairs of Havaianas.

On the route to the beach from the station, we encountered sidewalk vendors of all kinds, including a raw coconut lady, who sold us a couple of cups of the real thing. Inside a large mobile ice chest, she had several pre-drilled green coconuts ready to pour. Primitive, yet sophisticated! You could buy the whole coconut complete with straw, or buy the small cup, which we did. Still glyceriney tasting, but I could just FEEL the electrolytes pulsing through my system.

Somehow, Robo, Pettus and the kids had gotten ahead of Jean and me, and when we caught up to them, it was at a street corner covered with a plush high rise condominium. They excitedly reported that they had seen a Playboy Brazil model leave the condo and cruise toward the beach!

Patricia had pointed her out as what the Brazilian woman’s ideal for legs would be. The doorman to the condo had been listening from inside his grated entrance, and told them that she was a playmate. He also asked if they’d like to see her pictures, because he happened to have the magazine. Well, duh! Of course they did, and when Jean and I came up, he was more than happy to show us, too. Whee! What a claim to fame for the poor sap. But we were all thinking that Copacabana was gonna be packed with her ilk! We hustled on.

The beach had been expanded in 1960 by new sand from nearby Botafogo Bay. After this, there was no stopping the popularity and fame to be enjoyed by Copacabana and Ipanema.

The place was lined with various local vendors, and tiny food and beverage joints. We managed to find an empty table under an umbrella at Big Bob’s Hamburgers. (Weird, huh? We found out later that the burgers were, too.) Pettus and Patricia had bathing suits on under their clothes, but the rest of us looked like landlubbers.

Robo decided to take his shoes off and walk on the hot sand. Meanwhile, Jean and I had wandered out toward the water, she taking off her Crocs, me leaving mine on, including the socks. I took shots of Jean and the surrounding fauna. Uhh. Where was that Playmate? Cause there wasn’t anybody here that looked like that!


A-HA! A towel sitter! The place was crawling with ’em. And butt brushers, to boot. Apparently NONE of these people had read the books Jean had read. We began to figure that they were probably tourists, and had scared most of the pretty girls away to Ipanema Beach next door. We also learned that Copacabana and even Ipanema were no longer pinnacles of dazzling Brazilian beach beauty. The glitterati had moved on to Búzios, three hours up the road.

By this time, I had already stepped in enough water to completely soak my socks inside my Crocs. So Jean took my picture.

Hey WAIT!  I didn’t have a towel with me! Oh. Wrong guy. Maybe this is it.

There! All righty. Beach: nice. Water: cold. Brazilian hotties: nottie. We decided to go back up to Big Bob’s tables and hang around while the others had their Copacabana experiences. While we were sitting there, I had brief 12-word conversations with some of the people sitting around us. Kids were coming up constantly trying to sell us candy and other trifles, which we refused politely. But when a guy came up with a bunch of wood carvings, particularly the wooden mortar and pestle for making caipirinhas, I was suddenly interested. I asked if he had made them, and he said “yes,” but I don’t think he did. However, the 12 bucks American that I paid for it was well worth it whether he made it or not. It’s already received a severe workout here in the States, and is one of those things I would have killed myself had I not gotten.

Pettus and Robo were ready to go off to the beach for how long, we didn’t know, or really care. It was comfortable watching the pigeons wander around in the shade of the tables. We did nothing more but actually enjoy the sun, look at all the people and lovingly mother over our flea market goods and my new caipirinha maker. I felt like Jean’s grandmother, Big Mama, (also Carol’s grandmother, God rest her soul), who used to love to sit in the mall and watch the people for hours.


I love in this picture how one pigeon is coming into the frame on the left just as one is leaving the frame on the right. These Brazilian birds were so much better photographically trained than the ones in the U.S., I’m convinced.

Carol had given Daniel some money to buy jeans for school while we were in Rio, being that they weren’t available in Salvador. Somehow, D&P found them at Ipanema beach, a mile or so down the road. Before Patricia got into her bathing suit, I took their picture by Big Bob’s.


It finally hit me the other night who Patricia keeps reminding me of! She’s got this whole Scarlett Johansson thing going on! I saw the actress on some talk show the other night, and it was like a ton of bricks dropping on my head.

 After everybody split, Jean and I sat at the table contentedly, me drying my socks in the sun on one of Big Bob’s chairs. I saw a cute beachgoer and offer her for your inspection. The incredulous, odor-detecting smell on her face can only indicate that she has caught her boyfriend sitting on a towel.

There was a team of volleyballers warming up for a match to our right.

That was all I had written when I first posted this story. Blog teamster Estado Coco Robo has since written in:

You may already have this coming up, but in case not, it’s probably worth mentioning somewhere around “There was a team of volleyballers…” that the volleyball was soccer-style — feet, head, chest, but no hands. I did a quick look-up on it. it’s called futvolei (FOOCH-volley).

 

That Robo has class. Notice how he allowed for the fact that I may have been planning to mention the style of volleyball going on. No way in hell did I know anything about nothing! That’s why I put these specious facts out there like targets: just waiting for clarification or refutation. It’s fun! It’s educational!    Let’s return to the newly-enriched “narrative.”

The futvolei players were a brief diversion just in time for Pettus and Robo to return from the beach and Jean from the public locker room under the street, where she tried to wash the sand off of her feet. It was gonna cost 2 Reais, so she declined and came back up to Big Bob’s to give us a huffy account about the ripoff going on downstairs.

Yep. Time to go. But D&P had just left only about 30 minutes earlier. What would the plan be?

Seventh day in Rio, part 3–Getting back to the house

Even those who speak Portuguese are susceptible to cab ripoffs

Lest Carol think that we were trifling with Daniel & Patricia’s safety, we were in constant phone contact with them, and apprised them of our schedule every five minutes. Of course, had anything sudden happened, our cellular connection would have been little help. But. But. But. I could just hear Nelson’s voice in my head: Mollie will KILL me!

So what did we do? Called them up to find out where they were, and if it were going to be better for them to come back to us at Copacabana or meet us at the ferry terminal. A cab had pulled up in front of us, and we quickly decided to jump in it rather than schlep ourselves back to the Metro. Robo looked like he had “enjoyed” the beach to the fullest, and I was ready to get back home and try out my caipirinha maker.

Between Jean and the Cerqueira-bots, they decided to have them cab over to meet us at the ferry terminal. That enabled us to savor our ride to the terminal in a tiny cab. The driver was a large Carioca with a modest afro and a ready smile. He spoke about five words of English, but understood “ferry terminal,” because Jean had Patricia tell him via cell phone where to take us. Smart!

I must say that at this moment I was firing on all cylinders, and had revved up my spindly Portuguese sufficiently to actually “converse” with the cabbie all the way. He smiled, seeming to understand what I said, and spoke many words that I was totally down with. Jean later reported that it was an amazing thing to listen to, but if they showed the replay it would be a completely different story, I’m sure. We were probably reading each others’ expressions, and using nouns like “Copacabana,” “Cristo,” “Sugarloaf” and “Playboy Playmate.”

Meanwhile, we had gotten the word from D&P that their cab driver was an idiot. Either that, or crazy like a fox. He had managed to find them a traffic jam to sit in, even though there were very few cars on the road around them.

Our cabbie pulled up to the terminal at that precise moment, as if to further punctuate the stupidity of Daniel & Patricia’s temporary handler. I wondered if he knew the Whistler. We got out of the cab, regaling the driver with big fat obrigadoes the size of his hair. His glistening smile as he pulled off was rewarding and reassuring.

The whole Terminal area was beautiful. It almost resembled the backlot of a film studio.

All righty! Here we all were. Robo and Pettus had bought the tickets for D&P, and all we needed to get on the next ferry were the Cerqueiras themselves. Jean and I had already put our tickets in the turnstiles and were standing inside when the phone rang. Cabbie has managed to get them lost, but has assured them that he knows where to go now. Robo and Pettus stayed outside the gates to wait on their arrival. Once again, we were separated like families at a jail visit.

Seventh day in Rio, part 4–Last night in Rio

How could two behemoth boats find each other in a giant bay?

When the ferry pulled up, we looked at Robo and Pettus like “Well? What now?” Daniel and Patricia still hadn’t arrived, but we had talked to them only a couple of minutes earlier, and they assured us that they felt sure the cabbie had finally figured out where to go THIS time. Jean and I had nothing else to do but get on the ferry and get our own tax back to the house. She called Sylvia to arrange it all, and I must say, having a concierge was pretty great.

The boat we had gotten on was a little different than the ones we had experienced before. This was a genuine piece of shit craft after what we had become used to. The seats were not even vinyl. They were “pleather,” and many of them had huge gouges in them. No adjusting of the chairs on this heap. Just a rigid back and weird leg space to help you get over the fact that there were no amenities aboard. Several windows were cracked, and the life jackets were not only visible, which they hadn’t been on the other boats, but seemed to scream out, “Mulheres e crianças primeiras! (Women and children first!)”

Now how bad could a boat wreck in little ole Guanabara Bay be? Hmmm. Nothing there to eat you, per se, unless it was the bacteria. And of course, you could always get cut on some kind of light bulb. And then there was the drowning thing. I began to sing what I thought was “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” to Jean, and she hushed me quick. Good thing. I have no idea what the words are. But the Edmund was just 12 miles off the shore of Lake Erie, or one of those giants up there. It seems so close. But so far.

I have a fear/fascination with being plunged into endless deep water all alone in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know if this would qualify. There’s no way you could have missed a life jacket on THIS boat.

We landed with no difficulty at all and gratefully got off the ferry. There was our tax, waiting on us just as Sylvia had said! I half expected it to be the Whistler, but it wasn’t–although he was certainly qualified to find our house. This was some guy who knew enough English to assure Jean and me that we would get there. If he could have gotten us to the McDonald’s, we could have found the rest of the way. But that was not a problem.

I had all the fixins from PMS 361 on the table when the four of them staggered in with what I could only describe as ashen faces.

“Did you bastards get the good ferry?” I hollered at them. I was mutilating some limes in the house caipirinha maker while my new one stood and watched. Jean had pointed out how stupid I would be to deflower it before I packed it, lest there be some kind of fruity skankiness factor involved.

“Oh yeah, we got the good ferry all right,” sneered Pettus. “We almost got killed!”

“What in the HELL are you talklng about?” Jean and I yelled simultaneously.

“Here we were cruising along fine. Then everybody begins to notice a huge freighter coming straight at us. We were on a gnat-and-elephant collision course, and everyone on the ferry had figured that out, except apparently the captain,” Robo enthused. “A bunch of people flocked to the windows and some headed out to the front deck, maybe to play human bumper or to get the best view possible before they were crushed to death. I kept hearing ‘The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald’ in my head.”

“Me too!” I shouted. “I was just singing it to Jean a little while ago! Wih-ih-ih-ih-IERD! So what happened? You’re not dead.”

“Well, finally the captain, who must have worked for TAM, obtained ‘situational awareness.’ He shut down the engines and then reversed, but we were still drifting forward. When the freighter’s bow passed, we were maybe 150 feet away. By the time its mid-section was in front of us, that was down to around 50 feet or so. And then suddenly it was clear. We started up again and kept going as if nothing had happened. Nothing but the fear.”

“Well, if you had been on that piece of shit WE were on, you wouldn’t have had to look for a life jacket,” I said, not wanting to steal their ferry story thunder. “At least y’all are here. Where we gonna eat? We thought La Verdanna again. Known quantity, right down there, easy to get a tax to. Eh?”

“Great,” they all said.

“You must tell us about your wonderful cab driver!” I gushed to D&P.

“You wouldn’t have believed him,” Patricia said, in a tone mixed with exasperation and wonder. “At first we thought he was trying to get more money from us, but we finally decided that he was just really, really, stupid. He was nice. Just really stupid.”

“Bummer. What time do y’all wanna go to La Verdanna? Honey, are you calling Sylvia?”

Of course she was.

After showers and bracers, we were ready for the cabs, which pulled up almost the second we were ready. I wondered what Marcelo was doing. He had probably picked up a couple of real pikers, and they were sitting by the side of the road eating fish steaks and crackers. HA! As long as he was there to take us to the airport, he could eat whatever he wanted.

When we walked into the restaurant, they all seemed to remember us immediately. I wonder why? Maybe it was Daniel’s zit. Who knows? Whatever it was, they seated us in a side room right next to the bar at a long table that had fun written all over it.

The waiters instantly swarmed us, and most of them we recognized from a few nights earlier. They came back to us! But really, what’s not to attract them? There was Patricia. There were the two gleaming blondes who weren’t Argentinian. There was a chance to see the largest purse ever brought into the city limits of Niterói. And there was my stellar, fawning Portuguese coupled with a willingness to drink anything they brought me.

As usual, Daniel sucked down all the chicken hearts, but we were all more judicious about what we took, being hip to the mistake of gluttoning out at the beginning.

Apparently, the waiters had raised their funness quotients. Word must have gotten around about Marcelo’s comment about Porcão being a party. It seemed that we were jiving with the staff all night long, and were partying like it was 1999, even though we all had to get up at about 4 a.m. to leave the next day.

The Verdanna crew was effusive in their warm goodbyes to us, and we reciprocated in kind. I have compared the food, service, ambience and everything else that goes with a great dining experience, and I can safely say that US dollar for US dollar, that is the best food value I’ve ever had in my life. There. I’ll stand on a limb and say it again.

The pair-o-tax that Sylvia or whoever it was had gotten, were right there to whisk us (cars and riders groaning) up the hill to Mirante de São Francisco to settle down, gather up our stuff from all over the house, inventory all consumables, pour a bunch of cachaça in used agua com gáis bottles to take home, and begin the torture of packing for the Amazon, remembering that we may only be able to bring ONE suitcase. HORROR upon HORRORS.

All I cared about was the  safety of my flea market goods and caipirinha maker. All else was replaceable except for my camera, ipod and flash cards, and they weren’t gonna be crushed or leaked on. It was accomplished easier than I thought, and I was able to flop down on the bed at what I thought was a decent hour, while Jean did all the REAL packing.

Then that GOL-DURNED BLACKBERRY began its chirpy dirge at some ungodly hour.

We got up, dragging like hell, me dreading every future second of air travel and all that encompassed it. We trudged upstairs after my leaving our suitcases in the hall for Robson and crew, remembering to itemize our gratuities in writing. As if to validate the whole event, there was Robson’s cute wife standing there with him. He introduced her to us and she gave
us a sweetly obsequious greeting. I felt like a turd about the whole thing. It seemed the whole house was filled with people doing stuff for only us, whether they wanted to or not.


I took a beautiful picture of Patricia before photographing several sheets from the Mirante house manual. Jean informed me that there was some discrepancy in what she was getting from two sources about the number of free airport transfers we had. I wish I had taken a picture of the drug section.

All of us had to witness that even when we first arrived, there was no sunscreen in the “pay-as-you-use” amenities basket on the first floor. We didn’t want to “pay” the 10 bucks for something we hadn’t “used.” That type of thing can get really complicated. I could imagine a house full of 14 people all drinking the liquor in PMS 361 and being presented with a huge, possibly specious tab at the end. I suppose the best way to keep track of that would be to keep the empties like caterers do.

Once all that was completed and endured, we got outside and there was Marcelo along with his assistant car, being as we couldn’t get all six of us and our luggage in his regular vehicle. It was great to see him, and kinda sad at the same time. We had all gotten really attached to Marcelo, and it was completely obvious how he had enriched our trip to Rio like no one else could have. He and Carol were truly perfect counterparts.

We all piled in the appropriate vehicles, me in the front with Marcelo, waved goodbye to the guard and the beautiful house, and zoomed down the curvy road that would lead us to the airport and beyond.

When we arrived at the airport, I let Jean and Robo take care of gratuitizing Marcelo. I was mainly interested in getting his email address so I could send him some pictures. It was the first time I had seen the word “lavoyer.” We all gave him giant American hugs (except Robo, who’s not much of a hugger) and I told him I’d be in touch. I wasn’t kidding. Now he’s on the hook to help me authenticate some of this tome.

The airport. I began to shudder involuntarily.

Rio to Manaus

If you died in Brazil and went to hell, you’d have to go through São Paulo first.

It was so early that my brain has a hard time dredging up a lot. The airport was very lightly crowded, and we got our stuff checked in quickly while Daniel and Patricia waited outside the line. Their flight was due to leave later, so they had the pleasure of watching us go through TAM preliminaries.

We bid our sad goodbyes to the Cerqueira-bots, making them promise not to get kidnapped or anything. I also mentioned that should they happen to run into the goddess Iemanjá when they got back to Salvador, to tell her I had left the country.

Pettus had given me her library copy of John Grisham’s Playing for Pizza, since she had finished it. It was short and looked like perfect airline reading.  I was hoping for full diversion on the way to São Paulo.

The candy greeting was right on time. Jean and I had perfected [I thought] the multi-grab to get 3, even 4 pieces without looking like a front-loader excavating a foundation. I don’t know how Jean scored, but I ended up clawing at the basket bottom for as long as I dared, and only coming up with two. My move was not slick at all. I felt the lardish buffoon as the white-shirt-blue-skirted-neck-scarf-wearing stewardess looked at me with thinly veiled impatience dusted with disgust. Probably no chance of getting a Bloody Mary out of her. I smiled sheepishly, hoping to prevent any lapse in service.

There were three of us on the row, and we were nowhere near any comfort zones in the airplane, so I buried my head in the book while Jean managed to alternately doze and read scandal rags until we landed.

One would think that Jean and I had learned something from our last experience at the São Paulo airport. But we didn’t. So we all followed Robo through the same string of rumors about where the luggage was, and if it was indeed in the airport at all. We fell for a few of those, rushing through the place in a wiggly tandem, finally gambling on the luggage and winning.

And at last! Robo had found out where to go. It was like a glass mouse maze containing escalators and windows, windows, windows. When we got to what was supposed to be our entrance, I saw a horrified expression on his face as he was the first to realize that we were at the international departures section. WTF?? The SIGN had SAID Domestic Departures, I swear!

I can only remember his head, as if it were on a pole, sticking above the crowd and rotating like crazy. He finally pointed back to where we had come from and we all dashed after him. It was correct this time, but I could tell you nothing about anything, being as we were schlepping three uncooperative suitcases plus carry-ons, and none of them could speak Portuguese.

By some miracle, we found the place to check the suitcases (easy), and made it on to the waiting area to do some serious waiting. There were a bunch of international duty free stores. Robo scanned the area and turned to Pettus. “Step away from the shops,” he said.

“I’m not gonna buy anything,” she protested half-heartedly.

We wandered through the aisles, but there was really nothing of huge bargain status to buy. Not even liquor. Especially liquor. It was more expensive. Back to the uncomfortable metal chairs with an absurd back slant. I still would rather sit there as long as I could than be in the plane, and since we had reserved seats, I figured we’d make it, so I didn’t bother to stand in the line.

Once aboard, we couldn’t even see Pettus and Robo. Jean and I were in a two-seat configuration that wasn’t that bad. There were no boxes and no third passenger. But there was no empty third seat, either.

Jean kept watching this group of French people who were obviously on some kind of tour. They had been rather vociferous and fun-loving in the airport, and made themselves known as a cohesive force immediately. The tour guide or leader was a chatty thing, and I noticed that she would talk to all the people in serving positions in a very French way.

“I wonder what she’s up to,” Jean muttered to me. “She keeps talking to that stewardess, and they keep pointing up to first class.”

“I don’t know,” I said, knowing exactly what she was driving at. I almost wanted to avoid any hassles and stay where we were, but was dying to know what was up with the tour director’s excited motioning to her group and their subsequent rush to the front of the plane. “Why don’t you go and see what they’re doing,” I offered. If anybody could make chicken salad out of this chickenshit flight, it would be Jean.

“Okay,” she said, and disappeared down the aisle, passing a man who had his head covered with a blanket the entire time we were boarding.

She returned in a hurry and breathlessly whispered, “Get up, we’re going to first class. Try not to attract attention.”

“What about Pettus and Robo?”

“I looked for them, but can’t find them. And they’re not in this section. We gotta go!”

I delicately and nonchalantly grabbed everything at lightning speed that I had already spread out all over our two seats and followed Jean up the aisle past blanket guy and hot on the trail of those brazen French. After busting through the hymen of First Class, Jean immediately sought out her brand new best friend the stewardess, who pointed to two seats that were across the cabin from each other. Jean took the one against the left wall, and I ended up in the very front seat on the right side. For first class, probably the worst real estate in the room. But who cared?

I settled into my seat next to a portly gentleman who looked like a businessman that would wield a lot of cash. He was very congenial, and I couldn’t tell what his nationality was. I had managed to scarf three candies on the greeting out in steerage, and had them in my pocket. I tried to find some kind of position to read in for a while, and wrestled with the controls for a good five minutes while the executive looked at me with a bemused expression. After turning around three times like a dog does, I settled down and popped a candy into my mouth and picked up the novel where I had left off.

I let it dissolve in my mouth for as long as I could stand before I had to give it the bite. When my teeth came apart, something felt strange, but I knew instantly what it was: my freeking gold crown had come out of my lower right jaw. A lotta gold, I’ll tell ya! And a great crown job, done in 1975. Probably 400 bucks worth of gold there.

I did my very best to not act freaked out, as I ate the candy surrounding the crown. This had happened before, and I knew that sometimes they can be put back in like a jigsaw puzzle piece, at least temporarily, and with careful chewing can work beautifully until repair can be made. This I did with little effort. I then turned to the large man and offered him my other two candies, which he took graciously.

He had meanwhile been having trouble with his chair controls, and called the steward to help. I looked around frantically to make sure there were other seats, because I felt sure that this was the ONLY paying first class passenger. I was in awe of his fine demeanor, considering he surely knew none of us hillbillies belonged there. Fortunately, he was able to find other arrangements, and as he left, he gave me a cheerful salute.

I settled back into my seat, placated by the wonderful re-fit of the crown into the crag it came from. I was still just waiting for some prissy head guy to sweep through the curtains and point to all of us, curse the stewardesses in flowery Portuguese, and throw us out. But it never happened, so I was free to fiddle with the stupid chair in peace.

The air began to hum with the vibration of breakfast! I don’t know how, I just knew it! My virgin experience. I was trying to figure out how to say “eggs ben
edict” and “mimosa” in Portuguese.

I looked up and a young lady was handing me a box and holding a pot of coffee.

What? If I were Mr. Businessman, I’d be royally pissed off about this. But I could only smile at her, us both knowing what an airborne social climber I was. It was almost a condescending look she gave me, as if she had read my book of expectations and then set it ablaze right before my eyes. “Eu não posso ler o inglês,” she spat, as the match reflected in each of her red fingernails.

“Obrigado,” was my meek reply, as I took the box gratefully. It was the same stuff they got back in economy class. W T F?

Oh well. I ran through the contents voraciously and had two cups of coffee on top of that before I picked the book up again. My crown was acting as if it had never left its socket. Jean was asleep to my left. I pulled down the shade, spent 10 of 15 minutes adjusting the seat, put the book down and went to sleep for however long that would be. When I awoke, we were landing in Manaus.

I immediately began to feel guilty for having sneaked up to first class without Robo and Pettus. “Don’t tell the Kennemers about our being up here,” I said to Jean on our way out.

“Why? They won’t care,” she said.

“I feel bad about leaving them,” I whined.

“Whatever,” she tossed back. “I still say they won’t care.”

We were herded up a ramp to the luggage claim, an area about the size of a small meeting room, packed with humanoids. The conveyor stuck out of one wall like a giant silver fist. We looked over to see Robo and Pettus leaning over the luggage, Robo’s face bearing the sinus expression. I was glad to keep my mouth shut about the first class upgrade after taking a look at him.

In true fashion, the Kennemers’ luggage, both dainty pieces of it, came out within mere seconds of us bellying up to the belt. That seemed to bode well for Jean and me, being as we had been loaded close to the same time. But it was not to be. And why, I’ll never figure out. Possibly because our suitcases were the largest ones on the conveyor, and caused it to groan in displeasure as it spit them out at us. By this time, the room was almost empty.

We schlepped our stuff out into the main lobby, which was lined with shops of all kinds and interspersed with bars and snack kiosks. Immediately, a tall black guy with beautiful dreads held up a sign reading “Anavilhanas Lodge” practically in our faces. How he knew it was us I’ll never know. Once again, I’m sure Robo and Pettus were the tipoff. Jean and I look so international you can’t tell WHERE we’re from.

The guy smiled broadly, spoke stellar English with a cool accent, and gestured like a surfer as he told us we would be leaving shortly, but were waiting on one more passenger for the van to the lodge. He told us we had a little more than an hour, and suggested we eat and relax, that he would find us when the van arrived.

To the left, anchoring the whole room, in a place of honor next to the tourism office, was a Big Bob’s Hamburgers! I was hungry as hell, being only tormented by the tiny suggestion of a breakfast.

We trooped over to the table area and immediately commandeered one, building a fortress around us with our luggage. Robo and I went up to get the food. The menu read just like something in America, obviously because WE are the king of hamburgers. We ordered various stuff, me getting some kind of burger.

Our faces must have been very interesting as we all took our first bites. Like Darrin trying to eat Samantha’s cooking on Bewitched is what I picture. “Man, this is WEIRD!” I said. “It’s got so much filler in it. Is there any beef?”

“I think it’s soy,” Jean said. Neither one of us stopped eating.

Robo and Pettus had gotten chicken. “Well it’s kind of like a McNugget sandwich,” Pettus said. “But it’s not bad.” Robo wasn’t saying much, just looking suspiciously at his food.

“I think I’m gonna walk around,” he said, getting up. “Can y’all watch my stuff?”

“I’ll go with you,” Pettus said.

“We’ll watch the stuff,” we said.

As they disappeared into the crowd, Jean and I ruminated on the contents of our lunch. The texture was like half-quiche, half oatmeal, kissed with the lips of a big beef cow. I had never experienced anything even close. There was no similarity to even a McDonald’s patty. It was almost repellant. By then I had begun to wonder if it were some kind of special meat that only Brazilians can eat–kind of like drinking their water. It started to freak me out a little bit, but I kept eating the “hamburger” anyway. I don’t need to be sick in the Amazon, I thought, reaching for the rest of Pettus’ food.

Presently, Robo returned carrying a great safari hat with “Amazona” and a leopard embroidered on it. It was one of those button-the-sides things with the string to go under your chin. “I only paid 10 bucks for it!” he enthused.

“Where?” I shouted.

I was already headed down the left side by the time he had finished telling me. He was right! I got a hat like his but with a toucan on it, and a crocheted sun hat decorated with polished wood for Jean. Only 20 bucks for both!

We had more time left, so Jean decided to see if she could get some money from an ATM. AGAIN. I stood by her while she tried all the machines to no avail. There was a young guy and girl of undetermined nationality also having a go at getting something from the uncooperative machines. They were having no more luck than we were, and I made some kind of pithy comment about it as I was lurking around, then asked the girl if they were on their honeymoon. She gave me a strange look and shook her head.

We had been seeing them all the way from Rio to Manaus. Her boyfriend
was carrying around a berimbau wrapped in brown paper, but there was no
disguising what it was. Robo wondered what it was going to be like
carrying it around all over Brazil.

Our greeter showed up shortly, and waved us to the curb outside where our van was waiting. He and the driver took care of all the luggage, managing to get it in with no difficulty. I was extra mindful of the carryon that had my Rio treasures in it, but all was handled beautifully. We had been waiting on an Indian gentleman to complete our group. When he got in, we all greeted him cordially. He responded in kind. His name was Rupi. That’s what I thought he said. As it turns out, it was true. Like the money, but spelled differently.

Also in our van was the young couple from the ATMs. They were both camera-ready, the guy being particularly effusive, speaking in flawless English.
“I am Yavor. This is Natacha,” he told us.

We began to introduce ourselves just as the van took off.

I knew we were going on a ferry, but didn’t really grasp it when it was told to me.

First day in the Amazon–Anavilhanas Lodge

It starts with a ferry from Manaus

lt had never really occurred to me that you don’t just “drive” into the Amazon rainforest. There are many hoops to jump through, the first being the ferry from Manaus. I didn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t this. A big concrete landing pad with a two-track ramp to load cars on with. There was no office, no administration of any kind–just various people hanging around.

There were a couple of ferries on the water, this being the first one. It wasn’t ours. It looks like several boats are tied on to the thing. And he didn’t land at our place, so there’s no telling what he was up to.

Our ferry was coming. Look at the gaggle of Brazilians standing at the bow/stern to get off as fast as they can. Right now, the only way to get from the Amazon to Manaus and vice versa is via ferry.

The ferry is an important factor in preventing the wholesale rape of the Amazon. Any resources taken from there must travel by ferry to get to the rest of Brazil or the world. It is a pain in the ass, obviously, and it’s surely time-and-money-prohibitive in certain cases.

When the giant boat pulled up, our greeter hopped out of the van, telling us that he had to get off there. “Aww,” we all said. He was great, and we were sorry to see him go.

“You will be in good hands with the driver on the ferry,” he began. “And when you get across, you will be met by the owners of the lodge, who will ride there with you all.”

I didn’t understand a word of what he was saying. My mind was on a million other things. Like scorpions, snakes, candiru catfish, piranha and heat.

We were all asked to stay in the van while we drove onto the ferry. Makes sense. I mentioned to Yavor that we had noticed his berimbau. “Yes, I had to have one,” he said. “I am a musician in Bulgaria. I am very interested in these instruments.”

We also learned that Yavor is a lawyer in addition to being a musician and that Natacha was some sort of doctor from Belgium. Wow! What a couple of losers! And so unattractive!

Natacha also spoke very good English, but was not quite as fluent, nor as ebullient as Yavor. But she sure was channeling Julia Roberts! I told her that one night at dinner and Yavor said, “You have a friend for life.”

“Well surely people tell her that all the time,” I insisted.

“Yes. Once or twice,” she replied shyly.


There were about six cars and a couple of vans and trucks aboard in addition to fifty or so people, who stood on the stairs and upper deck. Sometimes they’d go down to entertain the captain, who saw my camera and turned it on for me.

This shot of the pedestrian passengers is quite pretty.

The ride was longer than I thought, and I was thirsty again. Fortunately, there was a little guy with a big aluminum bowl filled with ice and various drinks, including the blessed agua. I bought a couple for Jean and me at 2 Reais each. Still a bargain, and nobody was trying to rip anybody off just because they were captive on a ferry in the middle of the river. That seemed to be the mindset of the Brazilian small vendor everywhere. They operated under invisible price guidelines, obviously, because we never paid more than 2 Reais for water anywhere, under any circumstances. Even the beer at Rio Carnaval was reasonably priced.

Robo had donned his new hat and even buttoned up the sides. Quite a complement to his beard. I had begun to realize that his scruffiness was directly linked to how bad he felt. And I get the idea that he felt less than stellar at that moment.

We were all getting kind of antsy. Yavor decided to go up and converse with some of the locals. In addition to great English, his Portuguese was also fantastic. The kids of course loved him, and I could see how the performer in him was a permanent resident of his psyche.

Jean looked at me and said, “Enough pictures of me. Let me take one of you.” I should have been suspicious, knowing our history and all, but I let her. Another album cover! Love Songs for Manatees. Notice the embroidery on Robo’s hat. TEN BUCKS AMERICAN! Who can believe it?

It was time to land! When we approached, I could feel a weird commercially festive vibe, like a tiny little Cozumel or something. There was a floating bar surrounded by kids swimming in the Rio Negro. It was very strange to me to see the kiss of tourism on the lips of this former virgin. It’s hard as hell to get there, so whatever attractions they have are kind of thrown together at best. The naive charm is ingrained, but I’m not so sure it can last much longer.

It was here that we picked up the owners of the Anavilhanas Lodge. I don’t remember their names, but know they were from São Paulo, looked to be in their early 40s, and seemed to balance money and love for the environment. I believe he is or was some kind of businessman, and decided to buy this virgin land on the Rio Negro portion of the Amazon and build a small ecologically sound resort for those who wanted to experience one of the most important wild places on the planet. His English was flawless, his wife being less fluent, but no less cute.

I found it interesting that a businessman would transfer his love for the environment into a benign way of making money off of it. Ultimately, it will have to be the people with money who save the planet, because those without it will use it to the fullest, and not always in the right way.

During the three-hour ride over, our host told us a lot about the precarious situation that the Amazon is in. There are rumblings, hell, they may be realities, of building a bridge from Manaus to the Amazon to do away with the necessity of ferrying over. Resources could flow out of there like blood from an X-acto Knife w
ound: first there’d be no evidence, then a few droplets of blood appear, finally it begins to gush like no tomorrow.

The landscape was largely similar to that you would see in south Alabama. Every now and then, there would be a naked area filled with tree stumps and grazing cattle. Our host would kind of shake his head at this, at the same time acknowledging that the people who live there need to make a living too. But can’t they do it sensibly? He told us that every time a road is built, more of the Amazon dies. It was rather cut and dried the way he said it, but in essence it is totally true.

Eventually there was a lull in the conversation, and Robo succumbed to Morpheus.

I don’t know what it is about my insisting on photographing people when their soft underbellies are showing. In Robo’s case, it has to be because he’s so gol-durned smart and looks so good in that quick dry fabric that is all the rage in Brazil.

It was very interesting the way that English was the language used for general communication in the van. Five different countries were represented: Brazil, India, Bulgaria, Belgium and the US. It was kind of odd after having been just about totally immersed in Portuguese before.

The landscape continued to look like domestic terrain. It was not what I had pictured at all. We rounded a big curve just in time to see a huge black snake cross the road. Robo and I both cringed, and then Jean did the old crawly thing up my arm just to drive it home even more. I was gonna make her look under the bed when we got in the room.

The light rain continued, which served to ramp up my anxiety a good bit. What was it gonna be like? There was a big nature hike mentioned. What would that be like? Hot, I was sure.

As if on cue, we turned off onto a very rutted dirt road that seemed to be insufficiently firm to hold us all. The wet foliage closed in on us, and slapped at the van intermittently as we forged our way up and down steep hills punctuated by surprising curves. There was no shoulder to the “road,” only negative space on either side, but the driver seemed perfectly capable, and the owners kept chatting it up, so it was obviously less of an adventure than I was envisioning.

We finally pulled into a gravel area and everyone got out. “Here is as far as we can go,” the owner said. “We’ll get out here.”

Oh shit,
I thought. We’re gonna have to schlep our stuff through the rain, God-knows-how far to get there! Not so! Suddenly there were about five Brazilians in green Anavilhanas t-shirts and flip flops who grabbed all the luggage in the van and disappeared into the woods. We all followed in single file.

The “woods” consisted of about 50 feet of trees surrounding a small path that culminated in the lodge. Thank goodness. “Where Nature and Style Meet” is what the brochure said. I think they had it down.

We all met in the lobby, which was a large open room with no walls and an authentic thatch roof. The front desk, bathrooms and bar were on one end. The rest of the area was filled with sofas, lounge tables, a pool table, books, games and a fireplace. The walls were painted a beautiful PMS 300 blue and were decorated with arts produced locally.

Of course they had a dog: a big friendly black lab that I set upon immediately. He would roll on his back in a flash for the old stomach rub–the best kind of dog.

While we were gathered, the owners gave us an orientation and passed out complimentary drinks made from fresh fruit. The bar was also open and the staff could make any kind of roska or caipirinha you could have wanted. They weren’t too expensive–about 5 bucks American I think, but eventually Jean and I clued into the fact that we could make our own drinks in the room and bring them to cocktail hour. Having packed all the liquor from Rio, we were set. We are such pikers.


After the introduction, we all took various gravel paths to find our lodging, which had been stocked with our luggage already. Each cabin contained two rooms in mirror image. They weren’t numbered, but were identified by the carvings of local fauna on the doors. We were
the monkey. Our cabin was only one down from the lobby, which was great. The first thing we did when we got inside was turn on the air conditioner.


The room was great. Kind of like a camp cabin, but not. The walls were beautiful wood paneling (local of course), as were the floors. There was a nice queen bed, and a little porch with hammock right off the bedroom.

The bathroom was cool, with a no-step shower and toilet divided by a concrete wall. Very efficient, and obviously sewer friendly. The owners had pointed out that their being here has no effect on the local environment, and that their sewage is treated on site. Hence the familiar sign!

On the counter by the sink with a couple of glasses was a giant bottle of water with a small sign hanging on the neck reading “It is a gift for you.” It had been printed in a nice Helvetica Bold, hand laminated and punched, and was tied with a piece of hemp string. Everything at the place seemed to be one with the area.

It was time to join the others back at the lobby for cocktails. Jean and I trooped back up the wet gravel path, rocks leaping into the side holes of my Crocs. Happy Hour was quite a comfortable scene: we sat on the various couches with Natacha, Yavor and Rupi. The staff was beginning to become familiar, and after a couple of their fine drinks, they were rapidly becoming our new pals.

Dinner was served on an elevated wraparaound porch with thatch roof. The center of the building was the kitchen, with a giant serving window that looked out on a long table covered with food, buffet style. The small number of guests made it feel more like a big family dinner.

We found our table with the help of Sebastian, one of the all-purpose staff around the lodge. He was a beaming guy who was more than eager to help in any way.  Being that he and several others were learning English, he liked talking with us. The lodge has a training program that teaches skills to the locals in addition to employing them at a good wage. The staff were all friendly and seemed to love working there.

 They had set the dining room with tables for each group staying there. Ours was denoted by a neat local carving of an Amazonian monkey (us) and a stingray (the Kennemers).

The food was delicious, being fresh and prepared in local fashion much of the time. There was a big bowl of manioc flour in the middle of the table that was fun to identify. The main dish was chicken cooked similarly to the way Carol had served it our first day in Salvador. The vegetables and fruits were plentiful, with three kinds of juice in addition to stellar coffee.

After dinner, everybody kind of hung around instead of disappearing. We invited Rupi over to sit with us and finish his bottle of wine. After that night, we moved him in with us. Yavor and Natacha stopped by to tell us about their evening’s plans: a night boat ride and creature roundup. Yee-haa! I had a good feeling what kind of creatures they’d be.

We headed to the rack presently, because our first event was going to begin at 5:00 a.m.: a sunrise boat ride on the Amazon. I was excited about the photo possibilities. It was fairly early, and we were whooped from the long trip over. I didn’t even care that Jean was setting that gol-durned Blackblerry. During the evening, we both slept like rocks but were securely aware of the thunderstorm raging outside our tiny cabin. I halfway wondered what it would do to our sunrise cruise, but remembered the host’s words: “It may be raining one minute and sunny the next. It’s just part of the Amazon.”

 

Second day in the Amazon–daybreak boat ride

Whoa! Pretty Early–Pretty and Early!

The Blackberry three-toned us out of the rack in pretty quick fashion. When they said to be in the lobby at 5:00, and to please be on time or they’d send somebody for you, we decided it would be best to get our worn-out asses out of bed and comply.

As I was gingerly performing the evacuation portion of morning ablutions, I stared at the “no toilet paper” sign until the ad man in me blurted out to Jean, “Give me the Septic Life!” Then, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember who I was ripping off. I made a mental note to ask Robo. Jean was certainly no help.

The rain had ended about an hour earlier, but the crunch of the gravel path still had a squish to it. The foliage was low-hanging and heavy with rain that dropped on us puckishly as we made our way to the lobby in the eerie post-storm darkness.

We were wearing matching shirts, but different colors. They were Magellans that Jean had bought at Academy Sports. I thought they were a down-market version of a Columbia shirt, but was corrected by Tim Denny, one of my partners at work. The shirts were 150% man-made quick-dry fiber, replete with mystery pockets, waterproof inserts and more clothing gadgets than I could count. Surprisingly, there were no epaulets. I had already worn one in Rio and found it acceptable, but in a weird way.

Robo and Pettus had just gotten there, and we had all beaten our guide. Jean decided to follow the dictum and never pass up a bathroom, and took a detour into the lobby facilities. She came running out about 15 seconds after she had entered.

“There’s a monster in there!” she screamed softly. “Go look at it. Do something!”

I did. I took a picture of it.

“It’s just a moth, honey,” I said. “You can go back. It hasn’t moved an inch.” And it didn’t for almost all day. Every time I went in there, it was sitting in exactly the same spot. Weird.

Our guides arrived shortly thereafter, and we all began the trek down the gravel path that led to the hefty set of wooden steps that led to a board over the water that led to the boat dock. It was still dark as hell, but the courtesy lights were lit. They gave an extra looming presence to the trees that were already leering at us.

Jean and I had never been down to the dock, and actually never left the lobby, cabin or dining room before now. Of course Robo and Pettus had been to the pool, seen the dock and everything else on the premises, and identified five rare species by the time night had fallen the day before.

MawMaw and I carefully descended the dark, steep set of stairs. Over a tenuous board and we were on the dock. It was beautiful in the dark, and I particularly like this shot of one of the boats at 5:00 am.

We all loaded the boat as the English-speaking guide told us. There were a couple of girls from New York who were on their last activity before they had to leave. I got a flash shot of Robo and Pettus just for the hell of it. Did I mention that I hate flash?

While I was taking their picture, I asked if either of them knew what “Give me the DAHDAH life” came from. I tried to give them the back story on why I was asking, but they both looked at me with expressions that offered not one iota of help.

Notice the hooded girl in the background. Looks like some kind of killer or unabomber. The Kennemers were wearing jackets, but Jean and I were fancy free and loving the rare feel of cool air. The sunrise was spectacular and changed every second. We were fortunate to have had a storm the night before that had left its remains hanging around for dawn.


Robo took this shot of us after we had gotten underway and the skies began to lighten. Matching Magellans! We should wear them to Six Flags.

The river looked strangely like any of the lakes in Alabama, and not like what I had pictured. Of course, we found out that being in the rainy season, the water was about 40 feet higher than the low point, and expected to rise another 10 feet before the season was over. So this foliage and all these “tiny” trees were really 40 feet taller than they looked. That was food for thought.

What followed for a while were various locations, complete silence save for the small use of the motor, and numerous shots of the scenery. Here are a few.

How ’bout that beautiful purple cast?

Here’s a great shot of our guides. At the time we didn’t know their names or anything.

The photo ops were crazy! Remember, these trees have forty feet under the water that we haven’t seen.


We eventually headed back as it was getting decently light outside. The staff was arriving just as we were, all packed into a small boat. The girl in the very front is one of twins, and they alternated at the front desk. They were both efficient and very sweet, though they hadn’t learned much English yet.  The cooks and a couple of guides are also aboard. This water bus kind of gives the idea how people get around on the Rio Negro. All these folks look like they’re having a great time. The Anavilhanas deal was obviously a good one for them.

Here’s that boat I first shot when we left. Look at the difference in the light!

This neat boat passed by on its morning rounds of whatever it does.

We milled around the dock for a while after disembarking, just checking out the serenity of the whole scene. Other than boats like the one above and our lowered voices, there was no movement or sound.

Our English-speaking guide came and sat down on a bench against the wall of the boathouse and began examining his finger. We all rushed over to see what was going on. It seems he had gotten a cayman bite a couple of nights before on the wild animal roundup and release.

“This is the first time it has ever happened in all the years,” he told us. We also found out his name was Cassio. He was glad to show us his wound, and didn’t charge a thing.

The little brown bottle is filled with anaconda fat. Many of the locals use it religiously for a number of things. I KNOW he drank it, because he described the taste as “not bad–kind of oily.” I believe he was also putting it on the wound.

“It will be better soon,” he assured us. “Anaconda fat is good for it.”

On that delicious note, we bade him goodbye and good healing and began the trek to breakfast. While helping MawMaw over the board to get to the steps, watching for anacondas and thinking about their delicious fat, it hit me like a thunderbolt:

Give me the CAMPBELL life!  Y’all remember!  It’s ‘Give me the CAMPBELL life!’ ”

“Yes, we remember,” they all chorused in their patronizing fashion as we trudged up the stairs for food.